Self Confidence

I have never been a confident person. In fact, I'm rather tense, unsure and frightened most of the time. I suppose that springs from a combination of factors. My folks, bless their hearts, did the best they could. But my dad was an impatient volatile person who usually did the job himself to save the time it would take to teach me how to do it. And if I ever fell short of his standards on a job he gave me, I heard about it....loudly. My mom was the polar opposite. She was, and is, a "helicopter mom". She let me know by words and deeds that I was not competent to do a job on my own; she needed to be there to pick up the inevitable pieces and help me complete the task. So between the two of them, my parents taught me that I was incapable of completing a job well, and that I really shouldn't even try.

So I completed high school as an average student. (Why try hard if you're sure you'll fail?) I graduated college with a BA in Archaeology. (It's safer to major in something you'll never use, and therefore, never fail at.) I married my first real boyfriend. (Because no one else would ever really want me, right?) How we've managed to stay married for 25 years is a testament to my husband's character more than mine.

You see, besides raising me to believe I was useless without her, my mother also taught me that men are not dependable and are basically useless, too. So when I got married, I was very scared. If I am an incompetent boob and so is my husband, who can I rely on? Oh yes...Mom. So instead of developing a tight and trusting relationship with my husband, I spent the first 20 years of my marriage turning to my mom for advice and strength, totally unaware of the poisonous effect she was having on me and my family.

But God is gracious. In 2002 He moved us to Kentucky, 700 miles away from my mom. It was hard. I was depressed. But I slowly learned to lean on my husband for support, and not my mom. And with that distance, I began to see my mom for who she really is. Then in 2005, we moved to Minnesota, still 700 miles away from Mom. While in Minnesota my husband was away on business often. And for 2 years he was away every other weekend getting his MBA . So for the 4 winters I've spent in Minnesota, I've spent 3 of them basically on my own. And while it's been difficult, I am grateful for the experience. Because for the first time in my life, I've had to trust in my own intelligence and experience during emergencies like pipes freezing and bursting, the refrigerator failing, the basement flooding, 12 inches of snow needing to be shoveled, driving in horrendous conditions, and basic loneliness. I have not handled all these situations well, but I'm getting better :)

I also went back to college this fall and took a remedial Algebra class. (When I struggled with it in high school, I received no encouragement to conquer it.) I'm also taking tap dance lessons, something I've always wanted, but was never allowed to do. Ballet? Yes. Tap? No. I guess Mom wanted me to be a Pavlova, but in my heart, I'm really a Ruby Keeler!

My next challenge? Conquering my fear of flying...

So at nearly 49 years old, I'm finally developing some self -confidence, and working through several very old and deep-seated demons. I'm just sorry it took so darned long to get here. I'm also sorry to my husband and kids that I wasn't a better person and role model for all those years. But mostly I'm grateful to God's grace and patience, without which none of this would be happening.